"Bloatyscopes"

*thud*

What in the Hell was that?



"Sorry Mike. I hit my head on the door coming in."

You okay Bloaty?



"Yeah, I'll just lie here for a bit."

We call that playing dead.





"That shit ain't funny ATM."

Sorry Bloaty, I couldn't resist.



"That's okay Mike. I'm getting used to it. Anyway, hiya folks and happy Sunday. Just like I promised Air Traffic Mike your weekly horoscopes are here. I can't change 'em, I just report 'em. Good luck, watch out, and sorry for your bad luck as appropriate."

"Yo, Vinny. What's your sign?"



"Danger ahead, capice?"



"Capice. Sheesh. Pretty grumpy for a Holy guy."

"Hey Guido, what's your sign?"



"I gotsa no sign. Mah people, daysa too poor. We couldna afforda no signs."



"Damn Guido, that blows."

"Hey Floaty, what's your sign?"



"I'm a Feces."



"Hey Mike, is anybody gonna take this seriously?."

Probably not, Bloaty. That's sort of the way it is around here.



"Is this a case of "Dead Discrimination"?"

Not a chance Bloaty. You've been here only three days. Get the "Dead Chip" off your festering shoulder Pal. We don't roll that way.



"Knock it off Bloaty and publish your work. You're on the clock."

Give the kid a break Floaty, he's new.



"Sorry guys. Guess I still have a lot to learn. Here we go."

Aries - Bad things await those who procrastinate. Get your shit together and get it done. Someday you will die, but probably not today. You're the sort of bastard that will wait for a more convenient time. Get bent.

Taurus - Bad news and good news for Taurus. Bad news is you have little chance of success this week. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, will go your way. Stay in bed, stay alive. The good news is that nothing bad ever happens in bed. Someday you will die, but not in bed this week.

Gemini - This week will be filled with the promise of a new day. Unfortunately, you're a Gemini and neither of your "twins" will be able to figure it out. How does it feel to be a loser twice over? Never mind, that probably was too many mutisyllabic words for you to figure out. Someday you will die twice but not this week.

Cancer - Don't believe a word you read. Good things will come your way. You will suddenly become attractive and intelligent. Your multitudes of friends will be impressed. You will find your soulmate and live happily ever after. NOT! Reread the opening sentence, moron. Someday you will die, probably of stupidity, but not this week. At least not of stupidity.

Leo - Stay away from public transportation. Public transportation is the lowest common denominator in a lowest common denominator world. Someday you will die, but not this week. Not as long as you stay away from public transportation.

Virgo - All signs point to good things for Virgo this week. Public transportaion is your newest, bestest friend. You might even get the chance to cream some poor sap with another sign while operating heavy transportation. Someday you will die, but not this week. Now get out there and deepen the gene pool. We're all counting on you.

Libra - Run!!!! Run for the hills!!!!!!!! Someday you will die and it might be this week!!!!!!! Now leaving the shallow end of the gene pool, Libra.

Scorpio - The proverbial "Fat Lady" is singing and she's singing this: "Gloom, despair, agony on ye. Hopeless torture, endless misery. If it weren't for bad luck, you'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair, agony on ye." Someday you will die, but not this week. You have a lot more suffering to endure.

Sagittarius - This week will be filled with peace and joy. Do those things that make you happy most. Why? Because when you read next week's Bloatyscope you'll realize it was your last chance. Someday you will die, and soon.

Capricorn - Think you've got it bad? Read Sagittarius. Its not always about you. Get over it. Someday you will die, but not as soon as Sagittarius, unless one jumps from a building and lands on you.

Aquarius - The people that depend on you are leeches. Dump them. Drop out of society. It isn't sociopathic behavior when you are shedding yourself of useless people. Someday you will die, but not this week. Not unless you don't lose those unneccessary excess pounds of leeches.

Pisces - Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, they will. Your life this week will resemble the last minutes of the S.S. Minnow. The only difference is that you won't make it to the island. Someday you will die, but not as long as you can tread water. In the words of the immortal "Unsinkable Molly Brown", "Swim mother fucker, swim!".

Wow, nice work there Bloaty.



"Thanks Mike".

Well folks it is time for breakfast. Who's in?



"I'm in."



"Me too."



"Ima in!."



"Yeah, whaddafuck, its Sunday. I gots nuthin' goin' on."

Okay then folks, we're out of here. Have a nice Sunday and enjoy the day. As for me, it is the start of my last week of air traffic control.