I'm a busy guy. That in no way makes me unique, I'm just the latest to say it out loud. I have other commitments outside of "Memphis Mike's". Those have been pretty well documented, I'll not go back over them.
In order to take some of the pressure off here on the blog, I've hired an assistant. Sure, you might ask, "Mike, assistants are expensive. The blog is a non revenue generating hobby. How do you propose to pay for an assistant?".
Easy. I'm not.
You might go on and ask, "Well then what sort of quality help can you get for free?"
Got me there. "Quality help" costs money. I'll soon be on a fixed income. That leaves me few options. Fortunately I have Air Traffic Mike Heavy Industries, LLC. (the official social think tank of Air Traffic Mike) at my disposal.
After a long and grueling search taking tens of minutes, they found me the perfect assistant. He's sharp, he's cheap, and best of all, he's dead.
Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome my new assistant:
Now some of you might be asking, "Why in the Hell would you hire a dead alligator as an assistant?".
Well, for a lot of reasons. One, he's cheap. Two, my attorney says it is a good move. "Try suing the dead gator in court.", was his first response. Finally, discrimination is not permitted here at Memphis Mike's. Just because you are dead doesn't mean we won't give you a shot at the job.
So without further ado, let's meet Floaty.
Hiya Floaty, and welcome to "Memphis Mike's". How about you tell us a little bit about yourself.
"Hi Mike, glad to be aboard. I was born in southern Louisiana and prowled the waters from there up through Mississippi. I'm a father to about 300, but don't see my children much."
You don't see your children much? Why?
"We're gators. Gatoring ain't easy. People have a tendency to want to kill us. Most of my offspring either went directly back into the food chain, into luggage, or by virtue of being a gator, have scattered to the winds."
Fair enough. How did you get here and how did you end up being dead?
"I had been in northern Mississippi for awhile. One day I was crawling through the flood plains underbrush and came across what looked like a still. I'd bitten into a still in Louisiana once. I liked the result. Unfortunately, times have changed. I bit into a meth lab. I pretty much OD'ed on the spot."
Wow, tough break there Floaty. Nobody around to help you?
"Um, Mike? How many people are there wandering around the underbrush near the Mississippi River, who have CPR training, and are willing to perform mouth to mouth on a dying, jacked up alligator?"
Can't argue there.
"And honestly, would you REALLY like to wake up having a "Meth head" kissing you? Frankly I feel I'm better off dead."
Good point. So then Floaty, is this your first job?
Why are you staring at me?
C'mon seriously, why the look?
"Look pal. I'm a gator, okay? We don't have "jobs" other than to eat whatever we can find. I spent my life eating small birds, dead nutria, rotting feral pigs, and the occasional bridge jumper. It is not like you can put that crap on a resume. Speaking of resumes, look at my feet. Do THESE look like something you can write with?????????? Sheesh!"
Okay, okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad. So what's your first report going to be on?
"I have exciting news on the University of Memphis Men's Basketball coaching situation."
Really? You've got a scoop for us?
"Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I don't have my sources, Mike.".
When can we expect you to break the story Floaty?
"I'm working out the final details as we speak, Mike.".
Can you tell me who it is?
Stop staring at me. C'mon, who is it?
I said, stop staring at me like that. Now who is it?
"I've got work to do."
Fair enough, Floaty. I'm looking forward to your first report. Thanks for stopping in this morning. But c'mon, just whisper it in my ear, who's it going to be?
Sheeesh! Enough with the staring!!! Now get out of here and get to work!
*door slams shut*
Okay folks, exciting news from my new assistant. He might be a bit sensitive, but I think he's going to work out swimmingly.
*door flies open*
I HEARD THAT!!!!! "Swimmingly"??????? Is THAT a dead joke????????????
I didn't mean it that way.
C'mon, enough with the staring thing.
*door slams shut*
More to follow.
Air Traffic Mike
I Know DKDC
2 days ago