BREAKING NEWS!!!!!! New Invention!

Floaty is sending in some information from Air Traffic Mike Heavy Industries, LLC. (the official social thinktank of Air Traffic Mike)!!!!!!!!!!

Yo Floaty, what do you have for us?



"Mike, this product will revolutionize the way the "pick up process" works in night clubs, strip clubs, and at outdoor festivals. I might add it is just in time for the Beale Street Music Festival and the other Memphis In May festivities."

Really Floaty? What product could possibly cover such a diverse range of social gatherings and still be relevant to the interaction between men and women?



"Well ATM, just a little background on it."

Okay Floaty, I guess some background as to the product is a good idea.



"Okay. ATM have you ever been given a counterfit bill in change?"

Yeah, as a matter of fact Floaty, I almost got a phony ten dollar bill back over in West Memphis a couple of years ago at a gas station. It didn't feel right. The clerk took it back and notified the manager. Why?



"Stay with me here ATM. Okay so what did the manager do?"

He took out one of those funny little marker things and swiped it on the bill.



"And then what happened?."

The stripe it left behind showed it to be a fake bill.



"Exactly."

Okay Floaty, I'm not making the connection here.



"Okay Mike, have you ever stared at a woman's breasts?"

Of course I have. Every one of us has at one time or the other. Why?



"Ever wonder if they're real or not?."

Yeah. Sometimes it is hard to tell.



"Well ATM, the boys over in R&D have solved that problem."

You're kidding me?



"Nope. Here, you're the first one to have one of these babies."

Is this what I think it is?



Yeah, its a marker pen. The ink can sense a saline or silicone fill from up to one foot away. If it senses a loaded tit, it changes color, letting you know she's had a boob job."

Kewel! Do we have a name for it yet?



"Yeah and you can thank Pope VinnyLXIX."

WTF was Vinny doing over in R&D?



"Just trying to prevent a *sinking*."

Vinny doesn't like to *sink* anybody if he doesn't have to.



"Yeah, its bad for morale, but tithing is still down."

Okay, so what did he name it?



"You're Busted!!!"

I love it!!!!!!



"Yeah, it works well for marketing."

Excellent. When will marketing have the packaging ready for beta testing?



"Tomorrow or Saturday at the latest."

Remind me late to put a little something extra in Vinny's "Tithing" envlope later on this week Floaty. Got anything else?



"Just a favor to ask. Can we make this a half day holiday?"

For quality work like that we can. Great idea. You go tell the boys, and I'll shut down the office.



"Thanks Mike."

No problemo your Floatness.

Later taters. Its an official half day.

Air Traffic Mike, ret.

Kelly McGillis Goes Rainbow

I'm not sure I agree with the first two sentences of this article. No guy I knew ever said he thought she was hot.

Frankly I always thought she was MUCH more butch than Tom Cruise. I was living in New Orleans when "Top Gun" hit the multiscreens. A bunch of us from the apartment complex I was living in decided to go see it. A lesbian couple was amongst us. They called it on the spot that night. One mentioned a threesome with Tom and Kelly but the other lesbian said, "Tom Cruise would probably like taking the strap on way too much.".

Funny how gay people know when other people are gay, too.

BTW boys, never go power drinking with lesbians. You WILL end up being used as a "Twat Block" at least once in the evening.

But that's a story for another time.

Time to go renew the tags on the ATMmobile.

Y'all have a nice day.

Air Traffic Mike, ret

God Punts A Chihuahua

Sorry, but this story just cracks me up.

Now before you get me wrong, I like pets. I've owned dogs, cats, fish, and various forms of reptiles I'd sneak into the house as a kid. I wouldn't find it amusing at all if the Chihuahua was found dead, stuck in a tree like an arrow. I'd bust a gut if he had lived though.

Chihuahuas, you see, I have no sympathy for.

A childhood friend of mine's Mom had one. He hated children. That dog nipped every kid within snapping distance. Us kids would get to playing. Mrs. F would let "Scampy" out to do his doggy business. She'd no sooner close the door and the attack was on. He'd chase us around the yard. Sure it LOOKED like playing, but if he got to you he as going to nip you. The little bastard knew he was scaring us. Hell, we were only 6 years old at the time. Mrs. F. would come out to see what the commotion was. As soon as he heard Mrs. F's voice he'd run to the nearest tree and take a piss.

That little bastard even took a dump in my baseball glove one day.




However, he was just a little fellow. There was no way I was going to hurt someone else's pet. No way too, that I was going wish good things for him.

From that point on, Chihuahuas became canis non gratis to me.

"Scampy" and the glove are long since gone. He died a peaceful death. One without the laughter of those annoying children nearby. I always liked Mrs. F. so I even sent her a card with the tongue in cheek closing, "That dog always loved me.".

However, whenever I see a story like this, the pissed off 6 year old inside me gets a little smile.

If you think I'm alone in my rant on Chihuahuas here's a link to our good friends, The Arrogant Worms with their take on the breed.

Happy landings "Tinker Bell". Thanks for the laugh. I'm glad you're okay

.... .- .--. .--. -.-- -... .. .-. - .... -.. .- -.--

... .- -- ..- . .-.. -- --- .-. ... .

Morse code, the original language on the original "information higway".

Happy birthday sir.

And Give Us This Day Our Weekly Bloatyscopes

"Good fuggin' Sunday morning all yous Goomba's and Goombette's. Pope VinnyLXIX sitting in for Air Traffic Mike, ret. dis morning. Bloaty has been woikin' his fuggin' tail off dis week gettin' da scoop and poop on how you's lives are gonna be dis week."

*thud*



"What in da fuggin Hell was dat?"



"Sorry Vinny. I hit my head on the door coming in."



"You fuggin' okay dere Mutsicle?"



"Yeah, I'll just lie here for a bit."



"Dat'll be okay Bloaty. Give up da scoop already capiche?"



"Capiche."

"Yo, Vinny. What's your sign?"



"Dead End"."



"God damn it Vinny, stop that shit."

"Hey Guido, what's your sign?"



"Ima da peace sign dissa week."



"Et tu, Guido?."

"Hey Floaty, what's your sign?"



"I'm still a Feces."



"I'M TELLING MIKE."

Jeebus Bloaty, wtf at all the yelling?.



"Hiya Mike, good morning. These guys are screwing with me."

You expected something different?



"Knock it off Bloaty and publish your work. You're on the clock."

Floaty, I got this. Remember all y'all still work for me.



"Sorry Mike, I'm feeling a little extra dead today."

No prob there your Floatness. Take the day off, and go hang out in the Wolf River Harbor with pay.



"Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!!!!!."

Yo Pope, you and Guido shove out early too. I'm declaring the rest of the day a holiday.



"You can do shit like dat ATM?"

You bet. Now beat it, capiche?



"Capiche."




"Okay Mike, let's hang this one and get out into the sun."

My thoughts exactly.

Aries - Today you'll come to the proverbial "fork in the road". Take the spoon. Forks are full of sharp ends that will leave you dead. Someday you will die, but not this week. Not if you take the spoon.

Taurus - Bad news and good news for Taurus. Bad news is that death awaits you with open arms. The good news is that death is going to grab Sagittarius by the 'nads. Someday you will die, but not this week, unless you change your sign to Sagittarius.

Gemini - In a horrible cosmic accident, your sign has been changed to Sagittarius. Sorry, no "Mulligans" in the event of cosmic accidents. Someday you will die during this week. Ain't Mother Nature a bitch sometimes?

Cancer - This will be a week on peace and joy. Everything you touch will turn to gold. Unfortunately that precludes masturbation. Who really needs a five pound load in their drawers anyway? Someday you will die, probably masturbating, but not this week. Not unless you give in to the wiles of your hand.

Leo - Forget everything your boss has been telling you. You and all those voices in your head know he's the second coming of Satan. Someday you will die, but not this week. Your boss on the other hand......

Virgo - Hire extra security and read over all your legal papers. The subordinate you pissed off might be a reader of this column. Someday you will die, and maybe this week.

Libra - All signs point to a quiet Libran week. Nothing bad or good will happen this week. Dull is about to find a new bottom. Someday you will die, but not this week. Not unless the doldrums are fatal.

Scorpio - Stay away from the water. Don't even drink the stuff. Bad things happen in water every day including fish having sex. Fish sperm just can't taste good. Someday you will die, but not today unless you choke on a tuna load.

Sagittarius - Last week's Bloatyscope comes to fruition. Hope you had a nice last week. Someday this week you will die.

Capricorn - Just when you think it won't get any worse it won't. Relax and take the week off. Someone will have to do a lot of digging next week for all those dead Sagittarians. Someday you will die, but not this week. Not unless you hit a land mine while digging a hole for Sagittarius.

Aquarius - Good things on the Aquarian horizon, especially if your boss is a Sagittarius. The only way you can mess it up is to get hit by a distraught Sagittarius. Someday you will die, but not this week. Next week? Tune in.

Pisces - The Hindenburg disaster will have nothing on you this week. Bad things all around you. Lay low. Someday you will die, but not this week. Not unless a large burning hulk of shit lands on you in New Jersey.".

Wow, nice work there Bloaty.



"Thanks Mike".

Well folks it is time for brunch with the Rapscallions et. al.



"I'm off to Tom Lee Park."



"I'm off to the Wolf River."



"Ima gonna go watcha da ball game!."



"I'm takin' da day off. Even us Popes gotta have some private time."

Okay, sounds good to me.

Have a great Sunday.

Air Traffic Mike, ret.

Retirement Work Schedule

Recently a now former coworker asked me, "So what will a retired day look like for you ML?".

For the record, we use operating initials to identify ourselves on land line communications both internally and externally. That way, they know who to hang when shit goes bad.

I've used the initials "ML" since my first day in the Academy.

Regardless, I gave the question some serious thought. I told Jim, "I'll let you know.".

So here's the answer. Get up early, go to the Farmer's Market. Buy some prime fillet mignon from Mike at Neola Farms, buy some fresh brussel sprouts, and potatoes. Plan a nice dinner for a friend tomorrow. (She's had a rough go of it of late) Head out, digital camera in hand and enjoy a day of no responsibility.

Pretty easy, right?

Air Traffic Mike, ret.

Yo, Floaty?

"Yeah Mike, what's up?"

Any good rumors on the Memphis Tigers men's basketball recruiting class?



"You bet."

What can you tell us?



"Big news, ATM. Really BIG news. If anybody thought that Coach Pastner was too covered up to recruit, this should set their minds at ease."

Honestly Floaty, we were all getting worried.



"Yeah Mike, the fans have all been up on edge since Cal left."

So what do you have for us?



Oh, hey Guido, what's up?



"Popa Vinny, he senda me to finda the scoopa ona da Tiger class."

You're just in time Guido. Floaty has some inside info.



"Floaty, howa you getta da inside info, eh?"



"Guido I'd tell you, but I'd have to killya."







Yo Guido, what's with the staring?







C'mon Guido, he was just kidding.





Seriously Guido, he's just pulling your leg.



"Floaty try to bea fonny, eh?"



"Guido, I keeed, I keeeeeeeeeeeeeed."



"Floaty, ah keepa mah eye ona you."

*door slams*

Jeebus Floaty, why mess with the guy like that?



"Just trying to keep the new guys honest Mike."

Floaty, I'm pretty sure Guido's honest.



"Okay, okay. I'll back off a bit."

Thanks Floaty. So who has Coach Pastner been wooing?



"Well Mike, he's been quite busy of late. As we all know, Cal left the program in a bit of a mess. It took some time, but he got the man he was after."

Really? Who'd he get?



"He got this guy."



What, or who in the Hell is that?



"He's Edward Alberghetti, Jr."




Edward Alberghetti, Jr.?



"Yeah, "Sweaty Eddie" Alberghetti."



Sweaty Eddie? Looks more like a sweaty yeti.



"Apparently he's quite a force in the paint."

Apparently he's quite a force in the buffet line too. He'll bankrupt the program in food costs alone.



"He's been banned from every buffet in the five state area."

How did we land this guy?



"Coach Pastner got him a work/study job in the cafeteria."

What's Coach Pastner's next move, find a talented alcoholic and get him a work/study job at the Flying Saucer?



"Well yeah Mike, he's going to be an eating disorder on and off the court. However, Coach Pastner realizes we aren't going anywhere ths year. This year he's decided to bring realtime pain to the planks."

So what's his philosophy for the 2009-2010 campaign?



"If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em."



Ouch. This guy will be lucky to even touch the net let alone the rim.



"Put a Twinkie up there, he'll get it."



Okay Floaty, thanks for the update. Now get out of here and go make nice with Guido.



"Okay Mike."

Okay boys and girls, time for some breakfast.

Air Traffic Mike, ret.