A New Brew For Fire Sale

I've been giving some thought of late to one of the biggest problems us Downtowners face.

The "Flying Saucer", trivia home court to the Rapscallions Trivia Team, offers up a daily special $2.75 beer every day except Monday.

This special has, on occasion, been both a source of delight and a source of discontent to the Saucer's regular customers.

I'm proposing a solution that will allow the Saucer to spare us a gamut of bad beers, allow them to increase their selection of good beers, and permit management the opportunity to make amends for the Turbo Dog/Purple Haze/Chocolate Stout trinity.

Those three beers were the not so shining stars Of the recent "Epic Fail" week massacre.

Five grown men, seasoned beer drinkers one and all, sprained their taste buds in an attempt to overcome this lineup of lame lager.

It was like watching a train wreck.

You didn't want to see it, you just couldn't look away.

As I like to point out, here at Air Traffic Mike's we don't work on problems, we work on solutions.

I put a call into the gang at Air Traffic Mike Heavy Industries, LLC. (the official social think tank of Air Traffic Mike).

The focus? Come up with a new, single brand of lame ass beer to take the place of the Saucer's lamest lineup.

I was told via email that Bloaty would be handling the presentation upon it's completion.

I'm expecting him any minute.

*THUD*

What in the Hell was that?

Oh......hey Bloaty.


"Hiya Mike. Sorry, I hit my head on the door coming in."

Gotta be careful around the office Bloaty.


"Not when you're dead."

Point taken. So then, what have you guys come up with?


"After carefully researching the Rapscallions demographics, we carefully set about quantifying and compiling all the variables."

That obviously took a while.


"You're not kidding."

So Bloaty, I'm curious. What did the summation of all of our personality traits reveal?


"Um........you really don't want to know."

C'mon, you can tell me.


"ATM.......I really don't think it's germane to the project."

Nice word Bloaty, but exactly whose blog is this?


"Okay, but I warned you."

I'm a big boy. So I ask again, what did the summation of all the Rapscallions personality traits reveal?


"If you were just one person?"

Yeah.


"It came down to a tie between Mother Theresa and Charles Manson."

Ouch.


"You're telling me. Try identifying your beer market based on those values."

Daunting, but not impossible in my opinion.


"Well, we did it."

Okay, great. Tell me about it.


"It's a lager beer that the Saucer can, by simply squirting in one of five compounds, change it from an ale, to a lager, to a porter, to a stout, to a lamebic."

You mean a lambic, right?


"Once you taste it, you'll understand why we call it a "lamebic"."

Ouch. Sounds....er......promising.


"Yeah, it fills the need for the Saucer to terrify it's "Fire Sale" customers and free up four very valuable taps."

Have you guys come up with a name for this miracle product?


"Sure have."

What did you guys come up with?


"EPIC FAIL PALE ALE"

Catchy.


"One beer base, five horrible flavors, one cheap price, five great profit margins."

That's all well and good Bloaty, but a celebrity endorsement may help.


"We already did that."

Really? Who'd you get?


"Snoop Dogg."

How'd you get him?


"We told him that there was a long history of celebrity spokespersons in beer advertising. I told him point blank he could very well be the next "Billy D. Williams."



Nice angle.


"I think he really liked the product. We requested his take on the ale. He sent us an email."

What did it say?


"Hard to say, he writes like he talks."

That's okay Bloaty. I speak and read "Snoopglish". Just read it to me.


"It says, "DAMN! Dat's one nassy azz warm glass of pizzle fo' shizzle."

Looks like your hard work paid off.


"So you think we can land him?"

I wouldn't be traveling to Compton to ask him in person. However, judging by his reaction, you've nailed the formula.


"What do you mean?"

I'm sure the Rapscallions will agree with Snoop word for word. One more thing, you're going to need a catchy sales phrase.


"We have one."

Okay, show me then take the rest of the day off.


"Push the play button on your laptop ATM. I'm out of here."

Okay Bloaty. Nice work. Have a good one.

"Epic Fail Pale Ale.....the beer so bad, we call it *Brittney*