Sunday, April 29, 2012

"Nanny Express": A Spring Rerun

As all y'all know, I'm loathe to use too many reruns.

Reruns are as creative as bringing a store purchased Jello Ring to Thanksgiving dinner.

However, Christine and I spent the afternoon/early evening at my cousin Rick and his wife Patty's place in Long Point, MD.

Don't be embarrassed if you're not familiar with where Long Point, MD is.

Just get out your handy AAA Road Atlas and find Hack's Point, MD.

As you can now see, Long Point is a suburb of the Hack's Point metropolitan area.

All kidding aside, I had a personal item belonging to Rick's late father I wanted to get to him.

Rick had a ton of old family pictures he wanted me to see.

More on the visit tomorrow, for now please enjoy one of my all time favorite parody blogs.

Until the next time, all y'all take care of yourselves.

Air Traffic Mike, ret.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



Let's face it, one of the most difficult decisions a parent (or parents) can make is child care. Back in the 1960's it was a given that most Mom's were stay at home Moms.

Mine was.

Well, at least until I was 12. That year Mom got her first job. She got a part time job at the elementary school my two younger brothers and I attended.

We couldn't get away with "Jack Squat".

Thanks Mom.

Now I'm not a parent so far as I know. However, recently a couple of my friends became first time parents. Unfortunately, they are both in their thirties and have busy careers. He holds an executive position and she is mid level accountant. Or was. She opted out of work and started an accounting business at home. She assumed that would give her time to be a "stay at home Mommy" while still bringing in a decent check.

She couldn't have been more wrong. In an eight hour period where you have eight hours of Mommying to do plus eight hours of accounting work to do something has to give.

They decided on a day Nanny. They are fortunate. They have the means to be able to do so. Many have to use professional day care or private baby sitters to make it work.

The problem with the above is level of service. A day Nanny has but one task and that is to see to the needs of the child. Any reputable Nanny has had some professional training and should come with excellent references. They should also be bonded and insured. They are expensive.

Day care provider's too, should have some professional training. They are monitored by the state and county, but due to volume there will those with less training and experience. There is a risk of "fly by night" operations. Furthermore, with your child surrounded by all those other children, the chance of your baby getting sick increases exponentially. Volume helps keep costs down, but the infrastructure and insurance expenses still keep the price relatively high.

Private baby sitters usually have no training other than being a young Mom or some girl. Working out of their home keeps costs low. Rarely licensed or insured, you risk some exposure legally. Without government supervision, abuses may take place. In this model, you're really acting on faith.

Where many see problems, we here at Air Traffic Mike Heavy Industries, LLC. (the social think tank of Air Traffic Mike), we see solutions.

What if you could take the quality of a Nanny, merge in the volume savings of a day care center, and using Fred Smith's FedEx model for efficiency, cut the price to that of a baby sitter?

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to:

Air Traffic Mike's Nanny Express

Here's how it works. You call Nanny Express. We drop off one of our patented "NanEx Baby Boxes". They have everything you need to get the kid out the door for the day. Take a look at it. It is a masterpiece. It comes fully assembled with a generous amount of air holes to facilitate breathing. Take note of the pacifier dangling from the lid. Feel the plush, super absorbent lining on the floor. You say, "Air Traffic Mike, baby poop is the foulest substance known to mankind and babies make lots of it. What about the smell?" Don't worry. That super absorbent padding has a layer of charcoal and baking soda. A chili/beer fart doesn't stand a chance against it. It'll smell as fresh as a daisy no matter HOW ambitious the child gets. What color is your baby's nursery? It doesn't matter. The "NanEx Baby Box" comes in all colors. Before you can say anything, I already know that babies have to eat. If you look carefully to the left you can see the feeding station. The "BoobTube" feeding system, a patented product of NanEX, accommodates breast milk, water, juices, and pablum. Please fill out the "Needs" section of the shipping form to advise us of your baby's nourishment reqirements.

"Shipping form? Air Traffic Mike, did you say SHIPPING FORM"?

Oh yeah! The entire purpose is to give the parents and baby some time apart. Insert the baby into the NanEx Baby Box (with generous air holes), place the safety seal over the seam, and drop it off at the nearest NanEx pick up point. We monitor the stations for activity and will be there for pick up no later than 10 minutes after you drop the box off. 11 minutes or later and we'll give you an official NanEx "Certificate of Apology".

Now THAT's corporate responsibility!

After pick up, the NanEx PRAM (People Running AMok) truck will whisk your beloved off to the airport! Scientific studies prove that babies LOVE airports!

This is where the fun really begins. Your baby(safely in the NanEx Baby Box complete with generous air holes) is loaded onto the NanEx plane standing by at the nearest airport. Your baby will be flown to the NanEx super hub located in lovely Blytheville, Arkansas at the former Eaker AFB. Scientific studies prove that babies love old SAC bases! Nothing but the best for our customers.

The baby crates are then off loaded lovingly by our famous "NanEx Uncles" and delivered to the sorting machine. What fun it is to be flying around the sorting belts, spinning and bouncing along! Screams of laughter and joy from every box!

The babies, now having been sorted by size, age, and needs are taken to their temporary day center. The boxes are gently opened by our highly trained "MomEx" associates (contract Mommies out on work release). Scientific studies prove that babies can't read rap sheets. Here at ATM's Nanny Express we understand that even babies need to stretch their legs! Besides, scientific studies prove that babies love being outside. And outside it is. Every baby will get no less than three hours out on the tarmac. Scientific studies prove that babies like to visit. We give them that chance.

"Air Traffic Mike, what about the heavy equipment and airplanes moving about?" I'm glad you asked. We're not fools here at NanEX. Every truck, tug, van, and PRAM has a well cushioned patented lower bumper developed here in Blytheville. "BumpEx" absorbs the baby, alerts the driver, and in no time bumper is baby free.

"Air Traffic Mike, what about the runway?" Scientific studies prove that babies hate runways. We DO believe in science here at Nanny Express.

Sheesh.

Its getting late in the day. The babies are rounded up, returned to their respective NanEx Baby Box (with generous air holes) and the process is repeated in reverse.

We know there are many more questions you might have. For FAQ's and our pricing guide, please drop us an email here and we'll send out our handy guide:



Operators are standing by.

Air Traffic Mike



No comments: